


Perks of Being a God

by electricprince



Category: Gravity Falls
Genre: AU, Abuse, Alternate Universe - Gods & Goddesses, Bill Cipher Being Bill Cipher, BillDip, F/F, Human Bill Cipher, Human Sacrifice, M/M, Mentions of Violence, Older Dipper Pines, god AU, pacifica and mabel being cute later on
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-06-27
Updated: 2016-04-25
Packaged: 2018-04-06 09:52:12
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 3,747
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4217160
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/electricprince/pseuds/electricprince
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dipper Pines hadn't planned on being sacrificed into a volcano, but then again Dipper Pines hadn't planned on a lot of things. Gods and Goddesses! au<br/>Fire God! Bill Cipher</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

“For someone about to be thrown into a fiery inferno, you’re doing a good job at keeping calm, kid!” Soos complimented, tugging him along.  
“...Um, _thanks_ , I guess...”  
The townspeople kept bogging him down with more gold, lathering it on like sunscreen on a hot day. (He’d read the fine print and SPF 50 didn’t protect against lava. It was the third asterisk down, right under the part where it said it really wasn’t water resistant.) They crowded around him, draping him in fine jewels: rubies and jade and maybe even a little cubic zirconia. (That would be Lazy Susan, who was admittedly a little on the cheap side.)  
Smoke billowed up off the top of the thing he was about to be thrown in, rising up like puffs from a cigar. A shiver rippled through him.  
“When you see the fire god, remember,” the priest (a portly man with tense eyes) spoke, talking a mile a minute and nitpicking Dipper’s outfit as he walked, “manners go a long way! Gravity Falls depends on you.”  
He thought back to Mabel. To the moments he last saw her, floating off to sea in a rickety old canoe, an offering to a ruthless goddess. He’d been held back as the current took her out, strong hands keeping him steady as the water engulfed her and swallowed her down.  
“It’s a privilege to be offered to a god. Not everyday does a scrawny, effeminate boy like yourself gets such an honor.”  
“ _Excuse me_ \--?”  
He kept going as if Dipper hadn’t spoken. “Now, allow me to begin the ceremony.” The man’s hoarse voice continued, hushing the others with a single motion of his hand. He was leafing through a heavy tome, one almost fatter than he was. He swayed with it in his arms. “Let’s see...I doggy-eared the ritual page somewhere in here…”  
Soos twisted to get a better look at what was going on. “Want me to try and help you find the page?” he offered the man, loosening his grip entirely on Dipper as he turned. Dipper wobbled in Soos’ absence, his feet shuffling, quickly losing footing off the edge.  
It didn’t take long before he was free falling.  
“You fool!” The priest dropped the book, watching in mild horror as the town’s offering went plummeting.  
“Oooh, my bad, dude.” Soos called out over the edge.  
And that concluded one of the worst days Dipper Pines had ever had.  
◢ ◣ ◢ ◣◢ ◣◢ ◣◢ ◣◢ ◣◢ ◣

Bill Cipher was irrevocably, mercilessly bored.  
Not even setting people on fire could fix that. Reckless pyromania had lost its charm days ago and now he was bored again.  
He’d considered drying out the ocean, just to watch the fish flop about and shrivel in the sun. But he knew that that sea goddess Pacifica would have a royal hissy fit.  
He was bored, but not bored enough to deal with that.  
He’d spent hours pacing his domain, fire prickling from his fingertips, only to extinguish seconds later. He’d spread out leisurely on his throne, kicking his legs up over the side, threatening to turn his servants to soot as they scrambled to appease him.  
They were awkward creatures, made from the rubble as they were. He’d basically animated coal and dressed them up in dapper suits (material that didn’t disintegrate with the lava-like blood that coursed through them). They were simpletons, the lot of them, but they were eager to please.  
They bored him.  
“I might just have to burn up the ocean after all if something doesn’t happen real quick.”  
And like the punchline to a bad joke, a teenage boy came hurling from the sky to his feet.  
“Ah, the perks of being a god.”  
◢ ◣ ◢ ◣◢ ◣◢ ◣◢ ◣◢ ◣◢ ◣

The man’s skin was bronzed and exposed and quite frankly, hard to look at it.  
Dipper felt like he was staring the sun head on. The runes that twisted and snaked up his arms glowed painfully, lighting up blue just underneath the skin. The same pattern seemed to follow down his legs, his back another matter entirely. Carved into his flesh was a pyramid of sorts, etched entirely in black.  
It seemed fitting, like he too had been erected from the harsh desert. Like his very being the Egyptians had slaved to create.  
His hair spiked and swished out around him, as gold as his skin if not more so. It flew about him wildly like a flame coming to life between two logs. It was a constant flurry of motion, a life all on its own.  
Hovering an inch above his hair was a crown made entirely of dark metal, shooting out in sharp points like a series of horns.  
It wasn’t until he spun towards him that he got a look at his face.  
His eyes were jet black.  
“I thought you didn’t survive your fall, kid.” The stranger spoke, his voice slightly more grating and childish than Dipper would’ve expected. “I’ve had a couple offerings die before. They made good snacks for my pets though so it wasn’t all for loss.”  
He grinned.  
His teeth looked sharp.  
“This’ll be fun, don’t you think?” His voice took on a more menacing quality. “A new whipping boy...And if you misbehave,” he trailed off, capturing Dipper’s hand in a tight squeeze, a blue flame lighting up between them, “well we don’t want to think about that, do we?”  
He stepped forward, black eyes unblinking and filled with mirth. “Bill Cipher, Fire God. Welcome to my world, kid.”


	2. Chapter 2

Boredom be damned, he was going to kill him.  
The boy snored.  
Loudly. Incessantly. He’d burned men alive for less than this.  
He’d cleared out a spot on the floor for him because he was knowledgeable enough to know that humans slept. That was fine with him. That was just dandy.  
But the noises coming out from this kid were downright unholy.  
“Get up, human.” His patience was at its end. He was far from a merciful god.  
The kid was sprawled out in front of him, his cheek practically leaving an indent on the floor. He looked so peaceful, nuzzled up there like he was, his face looking so soft and his lips pulled back in the gentlest of smiles.  
It disgusted him.  
He dug his shoe into the boy’s side, kicking him in the ribs. “Nap time is _over_!”  
“Wha-?” the teenager blinked, looking side to side as if forgetting where he was. His eyes narrowed when they comprehended the situation. His expression soured. “What?” he tried again.  
“You’re making noises, kid. Aggravating ones. I’m going to roast you over an open fire if you keep it up.”  
“Sorry,” he mumbled in response, not seeming sorry at all, “I snore sometimes.”  
Bill evaluated him for a moment before speaking again. “Who was it that offered you again?” he deadpanned.  
The human (what the meatbag’s name was Bill hadn’t a clue) blinked at him groggily.  
“Gravity Falls.” A yawn.  
“Remind me to burn the place down.”  
And with that, Bill Cipher stalked back to his throne.  
◢ ◣ ◢ ◣◢ ◣◢ ◣◢ ◣◢ ◣◢ ◣

_Dipper._  
The voice slipped into his subconscious, jostling him awake. He’d been lying on the hard rock floor for hours, but his fatigue had made it somewhat bearable. Even with the god’s warning nagging at the back of his mind, he’d managed to doze off, nestling into the crook of the wall.  
He lurched up violently.  
_Dipper, it’s me. Can you hear me? Diiiiiiipper!_  
He’d recognize that voice anywhere.  
The same voice he’d grown up with. The same voice that would chide him for being a “stick in the mud” or tell him that his nose was always in a book, that he should come outside. The same voice that called out to him as it sailed away, floating down a deadly current…  
“Mabel!”  
He whipped around violently, looking for her rosy cheeks or her big, ridiculous sweater or her shiny, metallic braces.  
His eyes darted about him wildly, scanning every nook and cranny. The throne, more like a chair-shaped stalagmite, sat empty and the bear skin on the floor laid there, unable to point him in the right direction of his sister (what it was doing in a volcano palace, Dipper hadn’t a clue). His gaze dropped to the floor. It was clear if not for a faint bluish tint; Dipper could see lava bubbling just underfoot.  
( _“Watch where you step Dipper! The floor’s lava!” Mabel screamed, jumping from cushion to cushion with him. She lunged from the couch to the pillow on the ground, desperate to keep off the floor. Her laughter trilled as she turned back to look at him._  
_“Dipper, come on!"_ )  
He sighed, blinking away the nostalgia.  
He was alone.  
“Mabel?” he tried weakly.  
But the voice was gone.  
◢ ◣ ◢ ◣◢ ◣◢ ◣◢ ◣◢ ◣◢ ◣

Bill Cipher hated his work.  
When he wasn’t wasting away on his throne, rueing the day his life became so mundane, he was flooded with the prayers of those humans he loathed so much. (The nerve of them! Presenting him such an...annoying sacrifice!)  
He clapped his hands once, letting himself sink deeper in the bubbling pool. The lava soaking his bones felt like warm bathwater.  
One of his henchman stumbled forward like the graceless, uncouth creature it was. It held up a heavy bundle of envelopes in his inhumane arms, but it didn’t seem weighed down at all.  
Cipher sighed, picking a wine glass up on the spring’s edge and letting his finger circle the rim. “You may proceed.”  
The creature cleared its throat and spoke:  
“Beloved Bill Cipher, Honored Fire God, I come as a humble family man, asking that you hear my prayers and save me from--”  
“Heh, as if I care. Was there nothing attached? No blood drained in my honor? No firstborn child offered? Burn it.”  
The paper blackened to a crisp.  
“Next!”  
The servant readied itself to speak once more, only to be interrupted by another of its kind. “Sir. Permission to speak?”  
The god rolled his eyes. “Granted.”  
“Your human is awake and he appears to be in need of food.”  
“With the way he snored last night, I might deprive him of such a luxury.” Bill grumbled, a bitter edge to his voice. He downed the last of his wine, clapping again.  
They both scrambled over to help him up from the bath.  
He let his glass shatter as he was hoisted up. “Who knows? Perhaps I’ll feed him the burnt rubble of his hometown."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Thanks for all the wonderful feedback!!! Your replies really keep me motivated!


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: so this one's a little bill!centric (it's all from his point of view). hopefully you guys like it though!! please let me know what you think, I read the comments over like a bill-ion times (god I'm so sorry for what I did there. I'm going to hell for that pun) <3 thank you guys~  
> ps-let's just pretend this bill cipher knows how to use forks and stuff

“Are you a human or _are you a pig_?” Bill lifted his nose in disgust, his little beast of a mortal gobbling down his food like a savage. He was slurping down soup like some sort of cave dweller, his napkin pushed aside in the act.  
Grotesque.  
“Do all humans do this? Disregard utensils?” Bill twirled the neglected spoon in his hands, the one that was most definitely not going towards the soup.  
His mortal didn’t bother replying.  
He was busying himself with his makeshift trough, otherwise known as Bill Cipher's fine china bowl. That simply wouldn’t do.  
“Alright then. Since you insist on acting _like an animal_.” Cipher held back a snarl, willing a thick, leather collar into existence.  
It levitated under his command, raising just above the boy’s head (all that unruly, wild brown hair--had the boy heard of a comb?) and then dropping down over it in one swift motion.  
It fit rather snugly.  
“H- _Hey_!” the human (or was he a pig? Bill had yet to determine) snapped, clawing at it in attempt to free himself.  
How primal.  
“Don’t bother.” Bill smiled for the first time this morning. “It won’t come off. Not until you learn some basic table manners. Perhaps if you behave like a good dog for me.”  
The boy sneered.  
“Enjoy the rest of your soup.” Bill’s smile was nothing less than malicious. He directed his attention and energy to the bowl, eyes narrowing in concentration. He cackled, watching the boy spit out his next gulp. “I hope you like it lukewarm.”  
◢ ◣ ◢ ◣◢ ◣◢ ◣◢ ◣◢ ◣◢ ◣  
Feral dogs were easier to tame than mortals.  
A certain mortal kept picking at his collar, glaring pointedly at him from the corner of the room.  
Bill waved at him, shooting a sadistic wink his way. “I hope it rubs your flesh raw, kid.”  
And he sincerely hoped it did.  
The boy gave him a downright filthy look. One that warmed Bill up from his toes.  
Bill always loved a good challenge.  
“Would you like a nametag to go along with it?” he cooed, batting his lashes and delivering his most innocent of smiles.  
He hoped his ill intent burned heavy through his eyes. “Assuming you have a name.”  
The teenager stared at him before speaking, averting his eyes down to the floor. “Dipper.”  
“Dipper? Like the Big Dipper?...Or would it be the Little Dipper in your case?” The god mused with a snort. “Was your dad Orion? Did your mom fuck a constellation to have you?”  
The human, apparently saddled with an atrocious name, blushed something fierce.  
Red looked nice on him.  
“Yeah? Well, what kind of name is Bill?” the mortal shot back.  
Bill blinked, perplexed. “I’m not following your _stupid_ , kid. There’s nothing wrong with the name Bill; It’s common amongst you meatbags.”  
“What kind of _god_ is named Bill?” Dipper clarified, crossing his arms. “That’s just so boring. I mean sheesh, you would expect something more fear-provoking than _‘Biiiiill’_.” He drew the name out like a bad joke, laughing scathingly as he did.  
“You shut your mouth.” Bill’s face grew heated, his brows furrowing and his hair flying about him like a creature provoked. “You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry.”  
“Funny, because I don’t like you much now.”  
The god rose, his hand wavering in the air.  
_He could kill him._  
_Break him._  
_It’d be as easy as snapping apart a twig._  
Yet something was tethering him down, like being anchored to the dock, he couldn’t make a move. The boy was staring at him; his limbs felt frozen in place.  
He couldn’t fight it, much less could he fight the chills running down his back.  
Something was _wrong._  
“I-I’m anything but merciful. It would do you well to remember that.” he stammered out, a frustrated edge to his voice.  
He stalked off, leaving the human standing there (unharmed? uninjured? what was Bill becoming?) in his wake.  
◢ ◣ ◢ ◣◢ ◣◢ ◣◢ ◣◢ ◣◢ ◣  
“Sir.”  
Bill ignored the creature blatantly, massaging his scalp.  
“Sir.”  
Bill grunted, but didn’t speak.  
A pause.  
A brief period of calm. Bill allowed himself to sink back in his seat.  
“Sir.”  
“SPIT IT OUT THEN.” The world was testing his patience today and his patience was wearing dangerously thin.  
“You’ve got a letter from your…” It gulped, as if not sure what reaction it was about to provoke. “...brother Will. He requests your presence. He’s having, er”--he consulted the paper-- “a party of sorts.”  
Cipher sat upright. “Is that so, huh?” Something sparked in him, rejuvenating him from the...incident…earlier, the one he’d rather push under the rug and forget about. He cleared his throat, trying to regain his earlier confidence. “I guess I’ll need to get my Little Dipper a leash. We’ll be going on a long walk.”


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> omg sorry for the wait but  
> 1) I'm not really sure where I'm going with this (plot? what plot? lmao)  
> 2) I've been super busy with college coming up and my new job and all

The collar—the damnable piece of leather, choking Dipper with all the vigor of a man provoked—wasn’t enough for Bill.  
The god sauntered up (after he’d stalked off moments before in the same fashion) with something Dipper could only describe as a leash.  
“We’re going on a walk.” Cipher informed him matter-of-factly, eyes twinkling. “No one can ever say I don’t take good care of my pets.”  
In his state of dress, he could’ve been easily mistaken for someone of European nobility. The gold of his skin was hidden by a stark white tunic, so bright that his dark coloring popped out boldly against it. His sleeves were puffy and flowing, the cuffs a lace the exact same as the handkerchief tied around his neck. A golden sash was slung across his shoulder.  
Dipper wrinkled his nose, but held his tongue.  
“A walk” seemed to be a gross understatement. They were going somewhere his ripped jeans wouldn't permit.  
His eyes remained glued on the leash.  
“Oh, this?” Bill asked sweetly, following his gaze.  
“If you’re embarrassed about being seen it,” he continued, his voice like honey, “I can make it disappear.”  
The bright blue cloth vanished on cue.  
Dipper raised a brow.  
“It will still be there of course, but no one would see it. Like an invisible fence, keeping you from straying out where you don't belong…” He stepped forward, arm outstretched and already yanking on the strap around his human’s neck.  
“It would surely save you some dignity.” He whispered, snapping it in place before the boy could protest. “But in doing that, I’d be doing you a favor, kid.”  
“A _favor_?! Why would you do that?”  
It hardly seemed a favor to begin with. Still…  
“Why does anyone ever do someone a favor?” Bill challenged, his grin spreading to monstrous proportions. “They want something in return, of course.”  
He gave the invisible leash a good tug. “Not now, but perhaps I’ll need something from you in the future, hmm, Dipper?”  
Dipper never thought hearing his own name would give him chills.  
The god snapped (he had an aggravating habit of doing that), the clothes on Dipper’s back disintegrating at the noise, leaving him exposed.  
He squawked, hands flying to cover the parts that mattered, cheeks tinged a deep red. “W-What the hell are you-?”  
The god ignored him, letting his eyes roam freely before willing a new (much more regal) pair of clothes into existence on him. “You don’t look like such a hobo now. Second favor of the day.”  
“I-I never,” Dipper resisted the urge to fan himself like a girl, his cheeks aflame, “I never asked for a favor.” He tried to force some venom into his words.  
“Tough luck, sport. You owe me double.”  
◢ ◣ ◢ ◣◢ ◣◢ ◣◢ ◣◢ ◣◢ ◣  
William Cipher fiddled with the guest list, tapping at his brother’s name like a woodpecker pecking away at a tree.  
His servants—no, _friends_ , yes, “servants” was too harsh a word—flitted about the manor, but he remained rooted where he was.  
They were a flurry of activity around him, dressed in thick furs; skin a faint blue like they were chilled to the bone.  
The paper hardened under his fingertips, starting to feel more like ice the longer he held it. He sighed.  
“Is everything alright, your majesty?” One of his men approached him gingerly, eyeing the paper in his hands.  
“Please, call me Will.” He insisted for the umpteenth time, trying to look pleasant but failing. He couldn’t help the anxious, somber expression he took on so easily. “My brother is always so confrontational. I do hope he behaves for this.” He confessed his worries, chewing on his lower lip. “All the top gods will be here. I can’t have him starting a war.”  
“Pardon me in saying, sire,” the man coughed, hacking up small ice shards into his hand, “your brother is rather... _reckless_. Nothing like you, your majesty.”  
“Will.” William corrected in a small voice.  
“I just can’t see how the two of you are related.” his butler insisted.  
“We are a rather peculiar set of twins.” William chucked weakly, rubbing his neck. “We are opposites, after all.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the cold never bothered will anyway :^)


	5. Sugar and Spice

_William Cipher_ was born solely to be the metaphorical ice cube in Bill Cipher’s (once again metaphorical) scalding hot soup. He was made of sugar and spice and absolutely everything else Bill _so vehemently detested_.

If Bill could have set fire to William’s world, he would have in a heartbeat.

Assuming he had a clump of meat pumping somewhere in his chest to produce said “heartbeat”.

(He did not.)

“Brother dearest,” Bill spoke, lips curling up in a way Dipper couldn’t trust, “invited us, or rather me…(I just happen to like carting my pets everywhere), to his lovely little ice palace. He just knows how much I love the cold.” The look on his face said otherwise. (The slight twitch in his left eye gave more than enough away. As did the harsh yank on the leash, all but causing Dipper’s feet to slide out from under him.)

“Y’know, kid. I’ll be honest with you. I lied a bit. Surprising, yes, I know,” he replied to the human’s completely-unsurprised face, “we’re not walking there, as much as you meatbags need your daily exercise, I’m a god--I’ve been around five millenias and a half--I’m old. Walking places simply isn’t my style.”

He nodded in the direction of a carriage in the distance, or at least what resembled one.

Like the one Cinderella rode off in.

If the one Cinderella rode in had been made entire out of coal and ash and driven by two reanimated horse skeletons.

Dipper didn’t remember the story too well.

“Get in.”

◢ ◣ ◢ ◣◢ ◣◢ ◣◢ ◣◢ ◣◢ ◣

It felt like days.

Realistically, it was probably thirty minutes, but any second cooped up with the fire god was a second too long.

“Now here’s how we’re going to do things, kid. You don’t speak unless spoken to and believe me, no one’s going to speak to you. And if they do, you still don’t speak. Okay, lemme amend that: Just don’t speak ever. And try to breathe less. You do too much of that. Like I can hear you kid, you’ve made your point. We all get it: you’re a frail, finite human dependent on oxygen. No need to remind us all 24/7.”

Never had Dipper been so self-conscious about his need for air.

“Okay let’s practice. You sit there where you are and don’t speak and limit your oxygen intake to once every six minutes. Starting now.”

“B-But that’s not even physically possible--”

“For the love of myself, kid! That wasn’t even a second and you already fucked up!” Dipper could barely suppress the urge to roll his eyes.

“Well if you must breathe so much, at least make it discreet.” Bill allowed, kicking his feet up as the carriage rattled onward. “I’m sure you can control it somehow.”

◢ ◣ ◢ ◣◢ ◣◢ ◣◢ ◣◢ ◣◢ ◣

200 aggravatingly loud intakes of air later and they came to a screeching ( _quite literally in the case of the human_ ) halt.

The horses slid on the ice, their ashen hooves unaccustomed to this newfound frozen hellscape. The human lurched forward with a yell, falling from his seat to the carriage floor.

“Well, would you look at that. We’re here.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it took so long :,) This was my first year of college and I pretty much ditched most of my fanfics in favor of studying.  
> The next chapter will be longer, I promise. I mainly just wanted to crank this out as fast as I could


End file.
